A Batfamily Pizza Night
by McNineSpike
Summary: Alfred has to go, Titus eats the food, and the batfamily are all really hungry...Pizza Night? Only if there is whole grain crust... Rated for Jason's potty mouth!


A/N just like the title says...the Batfamily have pizza...what could possibly go wrong?

"WTF? Where is Alfred?" Jason shouts, he's standing at the top of the steps at Wayne Manner. What his he even doing here in the first place? Well, demon breath needed a sitter while good little Timmy and Dicky bats went out with daddy bats on a secret League mission. And since Jason Toddy not trusty by batsy, here he is. Whatever, he prefers the Outlaws anyway, Kori looks way better in her outfit than Wonder slut ever could... Now the Canary, well that's a different story. Just like Dick has a thing for fiery red heads...including Roy, well that one was never quite cleared up...anyway he digresses, Jason, oh yes, Jason has a thing for spunky ass kicking blonds...and Steph does not count...she's like a sister. Besides, did she really ever kick ass as robin? And Bruce thought he was his biggest mistake...hmm, but then there was Steph... But, here he goes, digressing again, he really needs to keep his hood on straight. Ugh, Demon breath? Where could the little assassin be? and Where's Alf? Who's going to make them dinner?

The Manner is void of any of the butlers delicious smelling concoctions. The house just feels empty without it, and the goodytoesshoesbats, not that he could ever admit to that. And he does have Damian...if only he could.

"Dammit, little D." Jay huffs, as said assassin tries to sneak up behind him. "Don't you know you can't pull that shit on me?" He finishes turning to face his baby sitty.

"TT, that always works on Grayson." he huffs pouting. "and Drake..."

"Well, you know, they're just not at my level, kay?"

Damian just rolls his offending assassin eyes and scowls, like Bruce. And to Jay's surprise he's wearing the robin costume... His grey pants, robin top, and green boots pressed to Alfred level perfection. Hm, he doesn't get fancy clothes like that...he's the Hood. No longer does he do monkey suits, or short pants. He never really had the legs for those anyway...

"What's with the suit?" He asks, fingering Damian's cape. And it's made from that expensive stuff too, well, his daddy's not called bats for nothing, Jay figures, he might as well call him war bucks though...you know cause he takes in orphans.

"I'm investigating," Damian rolls his eyes like that should be completely obvious.

Jay just quirks a grin, "Oh, really?" he crosses his arms, "And what is that."

"Pennyworth is missing..."

"Yeah, I noticed..."

"Well?"

"Well what? What do you mean well?"

"TT, where might I find him? I'd like to contact father this League mission is taking much to long. Which honestly shouldn't be a surprise with Drake along, it takes him twice as long to accomplish anything at his level of incompetency."

"Did you check the Cave?" Jay asks starting down the stairs. Honestly, he rather not go back down there but if it's to find Alfred he'll do it...maybe...

"Of course. I am not an oaf." He states.

"You sure about that?"

"TT, yes." Damian rolls his eyes once more.

And that's when Jay realizes he's not wearing his mask. "Where's your spooky mask?"

"I'm in the Manner. You already know who I am." Jay opens his mouth, but's cut off by Damian, "Besides, do not distract me. I'm trying to locate our only means of survival, Pennyworth."

Jay pulls back Damian's hood, "Hoods are my thing kid. Don't be a copy-cat like Timbo. It's simple just check the kitchen..."

And the two make their way down to the danger zone, Alfred's kitchen. Damian does a flip over the countertop landing quietly on the other side. He rolls, and Jason is finding this whole thing rather funny. Damian's acting as if he's really on a mission. Finally, he finds his target and locks on to it.

It's a note, a note taped to the refrigerator.

Damian confiscates that note bringing it to eye level. It matches the Butler's artful hand, so he begins to read.

Dear family,

I regret to inform you that this morning I received a telephone call from England. A very ill friend of mine wishes to see me for one last time. I cannot ignore their dying request. I must take a brief leave of absence. However, do not fret, in preparation I've prepared the proper amount of meals till I return home. Besides, I've heard master Jason might just be quite the cook.

I look forward to seeing everyone soon.

Alfred.

Damian is perplexed. He shrugs handing the letter to Todd, "Read." he demands starting to tare off his costume, he's solved the case no reason to keep wearing these rather uncomfortable tights. As he undresses he makes his way to his room. He'll just send a quick message to Grayson letting him know of the Butler's absence, perhaps then, they'll hurry it up so Todd can leave. The reckless oaf keeps getting phone calls from a clingy alien and her boyfriend...sigh, is Damian the only one left with any ounce of dignity.

"Well, shit," Jason says opening the fridge. Titus got into the food...again...so much for having dinner ready... And he's not about to cook.. Not when he has to look after the little demon till Dickiebird and the flock get home.

Damian's in his room, sending a message to Grayson. It appears in the lenses of Nightwing's mask.

"Pennyworth is gone."

"WHAT?"

"He's currently visiting a dying friend."

"OMFG! What do you mean, is he okay? When is he getting back? What am I going to tell Bruce? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO EAT!"

"TT, calm yourself. Just focus on the mission. He left preparations. And I do not know what you should tell father, that's your job."

"fine...and thank god he left preparations."

"Yes. ETA to cave?"

"A few, we're wrapping up."

Damian rolls his eyes and closes his computer just as the giant psychopathic oaf marches into his room with a scowl on is face. What could be wrong with the bafoon now? Damian thinks turning to the pissed off Red Hood.

"What?" Damian says.

"Titus ate the food..."

Oh, Damian thinks...Well, if he hadn't grown so fond of the dog over the past few weeks perhaps he'd be angry, but to Grayson's utter pleasure, the dog does please him. He cannot be angry at the simple actions of a hungry animal. Perhaps in Pennyworth's rush he forgot to feed the oversized black wonder dog. Or as Steph calls him...they're batdog.

"TT, then make some food, Todd. Pennyworth seems to think your culinary abilities are note worthy."

"Hahaha, that's funny it almost sounded like you want me to cook for the whole fam. Not fucking happening!"

"Well, then what do you suggest."

And just then Damian's computer ding singling he has a message. He opens it only to see it's from..oh well great, his least favorite person...Drake.

"Demon brat, Cave in 3"

"TT, I was hoping you'd parish on the mission. Surely, anything League worthy is out of your teen playmates League..."

"You say the nicest things, demon brat."

"I do not, and I will not."

"And apparently, you don't get sarcasm either."

"I do, but I do not find your attempts to protect your ego humorous, red really redundant reject robin."

"Ha, your alliterations are brilliant short stack... At least I got to go on the mission..."

Jay clears his throat, "As much as I like seeing someone diss Timmy, what are we going to do about food? These guys have been away for almost two days, they have to be hungry. Hell, I know I am."

Damian rolls his eyes, "food preparations are below my pedigree..."

Jason is not taking this BS anymore. In one swift Red Hood movement he has Damian up out of his chair, feet off the floor, and pinned, tightly, to the wall next to his desk. "Al Ghul, i'm hungry do not mess with a hungry Red Hood..."

Damian just smiles up at Jason, challenge in his eyes. "I have been waiting-" The loud speakers announce the incoming batfam's arrival.

"Incoming teleportation", the voice says.

"Nightwing,"

"Red Robin,"

"Batgirl"

"Black Bat,"

"Spoiler,"

"Catwoman..." Really? Jason thinks even she was allowed on the mission, not him. Ugh, life is not fair.

"Batman."

Damian squints his eyes, "TT, looks like this will have to wait till later Todd."

Jason just sneers and slams little D into the wall just for good measure, not hard enough to break anything, but hard enough to give the little bat a sharp jult to reality.

The two find their way behind the book case and into the cave where voices are collaborating.

"I want a mission de brief from each of you on my desk by morning..."

Jason rolls his eyes, yep that's one thing he does not miss about being in on family missions.

"Awww, C'on Bruce, we've been at it since-" Dick must of got the daddybat's glare, which is ten times scarier than the actual bat glare by the way, as he completely cuts himself off.

"I'm hungry..." Steph says, she pulls off her hood just as Cass removes her cowl.

"Alfred." Cas cheers, she just loves the Butlers food, to her it's the best thing about these family missions.

"Yeah, Steph you can say that again." And that's Babs voice, she promptly removes her cowl as well.

"Well..hm, hehe, guys..." Dick begins, scratching the back of his head with one hand and pealing off his Nightwing costume with the other, "Alfred had to go visit a sick friend..."

*gasp*

And Jay is sure he even hears Bruce's sharp intake of breath. "But don't worry." Dick smiles dressing in jeans and a t-shirt, "he made enough food till when he gets back."

*angels sing*

Damian and Jason look at one another then file into the Cave. "Hey, guys." Jay says, a rare smile on is face.

"TT, I am relieved to see every one is in tact." Damian says, and that't the closest thing to an actual warm welcome their ever going to get from him. EVER.

"Wow, Damian," Steph says planting a hand on Damian's forehead, "Your sure you're not sick. That was almost...nice..."

"Yes well," he begins, crossing his arms an pouting, "I regret to inform you all that Titus the wonder dog, broke into Alfred's fridge and ate the food for the next few days. So, now, do to father's kitchen failures we are all going to die of starvation." he turns, "have a good night." He walks from the room his newest cat in toe.

"no food!" Dick gasps, "say it isn't so."

Tim just rolls his eyes, leave it to the genius. "Why don't we just go out for pizza."

This makes Damian freeze and turn, father never lets them have pizza. This would be amazing.

Bruce just scowls, but that doesn't mean he honestly isn't considering it. It seems a fatty food ripe with trans fats is the only thing he can currently concede all of them eating. He looks a Selina, who is just as challenged in the kitchen as he, and rolls his daddybat's eyes. "Okay, but we have to get whole grain crust."

"Yes!" Tim cheers.

Steph and Cass hight five even though the ninja is not quite sure what pizza is...but if it makes her family happy it can't be that bad.

Damian pouts and picks up his cat, muttering something quiet in Arabic..

"Asterous!" Dick says, giving Tim a nuggie that the detective promptly wiggles out of.

Barb just beams...finally a family pizza night.

Selina shrugs.

And Jason is trying to get over the fact they're actually getting whole grain crust. What is he five?

A/N

Sorry to end it here but I want to know what ya'll think. This could take place in a number of places, Earth 16 the YJ verse, pre DC reboot if the family was on good terms, in my ABV verse where the batam have bonded and are speaking terms...take your pick! KK thanks for reading. Next chapter coming soon to a computer screen nearest you!

McNineSpike! Keep it real bat brats! Makes sure to feel the aster! And always get trot...because if not you know what will happen...And i hope this chapter, doesn't overwhelm you or underwhelm you, i hope it just whelms you!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything! DC owns the whole family, so i am forced to play with them in fanfiction... Besides, if i did own WB WHICH I DON'T! There would still be young justice, and a batfamily movie/universe, and BEN AFLEC! WOULD NOT be playing batman in the new Batman VS Superman movie! but since all this is so, i own nothing, JUST LIKE I SAID BEFORE! No suing!

Beast boy, "Noted, believed and noted..."

KK reviews for a two-shot! And tell me what kind of pizza the batfam would order?


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